The Many Shades of Black and White
by jeez claudine
Summary: She made a mistake of taking advantage of his love. And why? She doesn't know. Now, she has to live another life with another man to learn her mistake, and perhaps, in the end, she'll get her old life back. [DISCONTINUED FOR NOW]
1. Prologue: Chapter One

**Disclaimer: **Characters are created by Meg Cabot unless stated otherwise.

I like starting new stories. :D Don't worry; I'm not going to abandon my other ones.

**The Many Shades of Black And White**

She was young and vulnerable  
She didn't know any better  
As she lays there on her bed,  
Tears pouring down her face  
Holding a blade in her hand,  
Thinking no one would know  
She keeps everything inside,  
Even though everything's gone wrong

She's been doing this everyday,  
Locking herself in her room, lost in the fathomless abyss of pain  
She thought that it'd be a happily ever after,  
But she thought wrong

She was wretched with pain,  
A hand gripping her heart  
Her surroundings suffocating her  
Reminding her of the memories she has buried,  
Deep down inside of her, deeper than where her soul lies  
And now she thinks that just one swipe,  
And everything will be better,  
To stop the sorrow and anguish, she was feeling

"_Take me with you_," she whispered. "_Just one swipe on my wrist and I'll be with you._"  
"_No!_" a voice in her head screamed, "_It's not worth the pain! You have your whole life ahead of you!_"  
But too late,  
She's been living in the fast lane,  
And she's sick of it  
She swiped the blade,  
Slicing a vein in the process  
Blood flows  
Her pulse starts to falter

She hears a familiar voice, shouting for her  
"_Why?_" cried the voice of the once she loved and cared about  
That love has shattered to pieces  
That care has faded  
She couldn't take it back  
Not anymore  
She loved him, she really did  
But everything started going downhill from there

In her world, everything was black and white  
No shades, no colours  
Closing her eyes, she lets go of herself, her world,  
And everything and everyone in it  
Darkness surrounded her lifeless body,  
And…she was gone, gone to a better place  
_Or so she thought…_

_

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There goes the prologue. Now, please review and make me a happy camper!


	2. Chapter Two

**Disclaimer: **Characters are created by Meg Cabot unless stated otherwise.

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It was cold. Is this how it feels like to be dead? Cold, distressed, and alone?

I tried to stand up, holding my weight with my arm, but a sting shot through my veins. I winced in pain. I looked at my wrist. It was bleeding. I remembered. I had cut myself and died. I never thought I'd stoop to that level. Where I would cut myself and risk everything just because of…of something horrible that happened. But the pain was unbearable. I couldn't take it anymore.

Punishing me was the only thing that made me feel better. About everything that I have done in the past, the agony I've been through. I was depressed. I was lonely. I was defenseless. I was a pity. What was done is done. There's no turning back. I gave it all up because I felt that there was nothing in this world worth living for. Sure there was my family, but it wasn't them that caused me my actions. It was him…my relationship with him.

I stood up and pried my eyes open. Just when I thought I have gone up to heaven, I end up in Shadowland. Thanks a lot, Father D. You know, instead of complaining to me about my mediator techniques, you could have told me that we mediators end up in Shadowland also, when we die, really, Father, thanks. I appreciate it.

I looked around the hallway. The same doors I've seen numerous times. Nothing changed; it was all the same as it was before, where all the ghosts I have shifted in the past ends up, opening one of the wooden doors. Even the same temperature of fog, as always, licking my feet. The carpeted hall way that seemed so endless, yet there is a light at the very end, another world existing besides our own and Shadowland.

Panic was taking over me, the fog wrapping itself around me.

I tried to run, run for the light, but it felt as if my feet were glued together.

I glanced at my wrist again. It was still bleeding. It was a deep cut. It looked like my hand was going to fall of soon.

And right then, out of nowhere, the fog started to wrap itself around my wrist, like a tourniquet.

It soothed the pain, but it still wasn't enough. I needed to do more. Heck, my skin was itching for more.

I searched the hallway for something sharp. There was none.

I started scratching myself. But it still didn't hurt enough.

I felt movement behind me. My body stiffened, shoulders tensed, head looking straight ahead, not turning.

Footsteps echoed.

Turning around slowly, I see a figure running towards me.

Suddenly, alarm bells in my head started ringing. My instincts told me to run. So I did. The figure was too fast for me. It was catching up. I was out of breath. I looked behind me and saw that the figure was getting closer.

I had no other choice. I stopped. I reached for the handle and opened one of the doors in Shadowland. Blue light shone through, and I was pulled inside by an invisible force.

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Review, please! 


	3. Chapter Three

**Disclaimer: **Characters are created by Meg Cabot unless stated otherwise.

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I was falling, my eyes drifting close, heart beating rapidly. I was scared. That ordeal wasn't normal. It just wasn't. 

Why was that person chasing me? I don't know. I had nothing. It doesn't make any sense. Could it be _him_? No…it can't be him, because if it was him, my instincts would have told me so. But no, they told me to run, run as fast as I could, because that person, whoever it was, is dangerous.

And right when I opened the door, I asked myself; why in the world did I cut and put myself through this situation?

I'll tell you the truth, from the moment I did what I did, I felt guilty and…scared. I was never scared, Suze Simon wasn't afraid of anything. But I was and am now. I didn't know what came over me; all I know is that I came home; crying, and suddenly, I went to the bathroom and got out a blade. After sterilizing the blade, I went over to my bed, blade in my hand, hesitating. This wasn't the first time I cut. I've done it many times before, carving exes and words, even back in New York. I stopped when I moved to Carmel, but that all changed. I started again. This time, I knew something bad was going to happen. I ignored it. Placing the sharp blade on my wrist, where the veins are placed, I closed my eyes, getting ready for the pain. I didn't do it in one quick slit; I did it slowly, dreading every minute of it.

Once I had enough, I slit it across, fast. The next thing I knew, I was lying on my bed, sleeves soaked in blood, about to fall asleep. My breathing became shallow gasps, my pulse getting fainter and fainter.

A loud knock came from my door, then the banging. Everything was starting to grow darker. The door suddenly opened and he came in. But it was too late. I was a lost soul by then. I couldn't hear nor see anything. And that was when I knew, I was dead.

I didn't feel much different, when I died, I mean. Though, I did feel a lot lighter, as if the big weight I have been carrying on my shoulders has been lifted.

Next thing I knew, I was in the place I disliked the most. Ironic, isn't it?

I never expected to end up in Shadowland. Not in a million years. Probably because I anticipated being able to stay on earth and roam around, and…'hunt' people. But I do know for a fact that I have an unfinished business left, so what was _I_ doing in Shadowland? Wasn't I supposed to tell my family and friends that I was a mediator or a…shifter? Or that I love him so much? Or that I was happy? Those were the reasons I kept asking myself, because really, those were the things I never said out loud.

_I was dead_. Okay? D-E-A-D. And now, I don't even know where I'm headed.

A sudden burst of energy came upon me and my eyes jerked open, taking in my surroundings, I asked myself:

_Where was I?_

"Mommy, mommy! Wake up!" a child's voice screamed.

"Okay, okay," I said groggily.

I swiftly came to my senses; Mommy…did she just call me-…what?

Wait. I'm ALIVE! Omigod, but how?

A little girl about the age of 5 was jumping up and down on my bed. I sat up. "Mommy, you're awake!" the girl screamed and threw her arms around me. I awkwardly hugged her back. I didn't know who she was but somehow, I felt that I needed to protect her, from harm and other challenging obstacles that may come our way, this little girl needed me, and she needed love and attention. And I'm the one who has to give it to her. If this girl was my daughter, whom I assumed, since she was calling me mommy, then who could be the father or my…husband?

"Mommy, can I have pancakes for breakfast? Can I please, mommy? Pretty please?" the girl asked pleadingly.

"Um, sure," This girl's my daughter and I don't know her name. What a nice 'mother' I am. "Hey, sweetie, what's your name?"

"Daniela Mae Beaumont." Daniela said proudly.

Beaumont…_Beaumont_, where have I heard that last name before?

I gasped. _Tad Beaumont_, the guy with an uncle who tried to get rid of me. The guy whose uncle is a vampire is my husband. The guy who gave me my very first kiss is my husband. The guy who shoved his tongue down my throat is my husband. The guy whose name is Tad Beaumont is my husband. The all-time-hottie-who-couldn't-stop-talking-about-basket-ball-which-bored-me-to-death-back-then is my husband. _Tad Beaumont is my husband_.

I must have drifted off for a moment right there, since Daniela asked, "Are you okay, mommy?"

"Sure I am, honey," I told her. "Where's daddy?"

"Daddy just left for work," Daniela replied. "He said that he'll be back soon."

For a five year old, this girl is pretty smart and talkative.

He's going to be back soon, what am I going to do? I can't even remember if we had a wedding or not or how we had her…I shook my head, dismissing the inapt thoughts.

I sighed and glanced at my wrist. That's weird. The cut was gone. It really was, but…how?

I shook my head again. "So, what did you want for breakfast again, sweetie?" I asked her, tucking her hair behind her ears, just like how my mom used to do it to me all the time. _Mom_…I miss her and Andy, David, Jake, CeeCee, Adam, Father Dominic, Brad, and Je-_no, Suze, I told you, you have to get over it. It was your fault this happened. You're a fool. How could you? _No! It wasn't my fault. It wasn't. No…I didn't mean to, I swear, I didn't.

She jumped off my bed, distracting me, and started jumping up and down again. "Pancakes! Pancakes, mommy! I want pancakes!"

I stood up and took her little hand in mine. "Fine, let's go."

I didn't understand. How could this have happened? Why Tad? Why not _him_? Why? What did I do to deserve this? It was just an accident. I didn't mean to. But what's worse was he didn't get mad, nor did he break up with me. No, he stayed with me, always being nice to me. I couldn't help but wonder, how could I have been so stupid to ruin the relationship I had with the man who loved me? He told me that every night, that he loved me, I mean. He even continued on telling me that after _it_ happened. I couldn't take it anymore, everything felt so wrong. I didn't know what I was doing, trying to pretend that nothing wrong had happened to our relationship, and that he was okay with it. No, I was stupid and naïve. It never occurred to them that I did something wrong. No, they just thought I was going to live a happily ever after since I was with him; the only guy who can make me smile when I'm angry, the guy who can soothe my pain, the only guy who ever loved me so much that nothing or no one else exists when we're locked in an embrace or a passionate kiss. With him, just one touch and everything would be better.


	4. Chapter Four

**Disclaimer: **Characters are created by Meg Cabot unless stated otherwise.

How could this happen to me? I feel like I'm living a lie. I don't have a daughter. I don't have a husband. This is just my imagination. I'm so sure. But why does it feel so real? I couldn't explain.

I was out of tears. It may not be possible, but I am. I cried my heart out the morning I woke up. I must have stayed in the bathroom for at least an hour and a half. I wanted my old life back but it just wasn't possible. The people I needed weren't here with me. They were the only ones who can help me.

How many times do I have to go through these trials and tribulations? My life was always hectic and just for once, I want it to be peaceful. But that's not going to happen.

I just couldn't take it anymore.

Obediently, I place my hands in the sink, letting it drown in the warm water. I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked…horrible. I had no makeup, there were bags under my eyes and I looked as if I were anorexic. Splashing the warm water on my face, I felt better. I looked at myself again. I didn't look any different. Nothing changed. I looked frail and noticed that I had a frown plastered on my face. What was happening to me? I never looked like this. I always smiled no matter what the situation was. Well, that wasn't true but most of the time. Suddenly, the sharp corner of the mirror caught my eye, and I had a great idea.

Bawling my right fist, I swung it into the mirror, making it break. I clutched my hand and noticed it was covered with blood and a huge gash was forming across my knuckles. I started laughing. Laughing because it was too painful for me to cry. I drowned my sorrow into laughter because that was me. Suze Simon. Suze Simon never showed pain. No, not at all. So I laughed, laughed until my head started hurting and I couldn't speak anymore.

I fell onto the floor and spoke to atmosphere, stared into oblivion, immobilized by my fear. I bent under the sink and grabbed one of the biggest shards on the floor. I sat there, hands gripping the broken mirror, the mirror I shattered to pieces by my uncontrollable fist. The thought came to me again. No, I needed to do this. I needed to! I was helpless and pathetic. There wasn't anything I _could_ do. There was no one to catch me when I fall. Everyone I cared for was gone because of one stupid thing I did. So why not just get it done and over with? It was easier that way.

One by one, memories of him came to me. _He_ was also gone. I was alone. But "_I won't cry. I won't give up now_," I told myself. Too late, the tears that were stinging my eyes-my eyes…he always told me they were beautiful, I needed to hear him tell me that again-escaped. Leaving me numb, senseless and empty, unfulfilled and many more feelings I wasn't able to comprehend. The only person who made me feel better about myself was him. _He was my tourniquet_. I sobbed and I didn't care if anyone heard me. I didn't, I just didn't.

Taking the sharp pieces of the mirror in my hand, I placed it on where my past cut was. Just when I started swiping it, I heard a child's voice call for me. "Mommy? Where are you?" Daniela shouted just outside of my bathroom.

Daniela. How could I forget about her? She was my daughter! Why am I leaving her? She needed me. What was wrong with me? _What's wrong with you? You are a selfish bitch who thinks that the world revolves around her! _Stop! I dropped the mirror, shattering to many broken pieces again. I placed both my hands over my ears. _It's not going to work, Susie. Can't you see that you have a life to live? You can't just come and go because you killed yourself in your past life. _I didn't mean to. _How could you? HE LOVED YOU. Yes, Suze, LOVED. _SHUT UP! _He doesn't love you anymore. You left him. And that's why you're here. _No…no…I started whimpering. No, please stop it. _Live your life and you will see what's in store for you in the end_. _You have an unfinished business left. _And what is that?

...I listened for a moment but the voice didn't answer again.

I quickly went into the shower when I heard Daniela that morning and recovered myself. I turned on the tap, laid down on the tub and let the warm water run over my body. After 20 minutes or so, I finished up and wrapped myself in a towel. I felt much better but I knew I still had that sunken look on my face.

"Mommy, when are we going to see grandma and grandpa?" Daniela asked while eating her pancakes.

I spat out the juice that I was currently drinking at the time. I wiped my mouth and asked her, not answering her question and smiled, "Didn't any body tell you not to talk when you're chewing?"

"Sorry, mommy," she said and went on to eating her pancakes.

I thought about what she asked me for a moment. I wanted to see them too. "Sweetie, who else do you want to see in Carmel?" I asked her.

"Well, there's grandma and grandpa, of course, Auntie CeeCee," CeeCee, I miss her. "Uncle Adam," Oh Adam, are you and CeeCee married yet? "Auntie Gina," Gina, my very first best friend. How did they meet? "And you know, Uncle Jake, Uncle Brad, and Uncle David," My stepbrothers. It may be impossible to believe that I miss them, but I do, I really do.

I noticed that she never mentioned Jesse, Father D or Paul. But how could she not? She could have met them when she visited mom and Andy. Could she? I needed to know where they were. They were the only people that could give me answers about my being here. And worst of all, why I am married to Tad Beaumont! Well, that isn't exactly the worst of the worst, since you know, Tad _is_ kind of hot…what am I saying?

"When do you want to see them?" I asked her, taking a fork and a piece of pancake into my mouth.

"I talked to grandma last night and she said that it was Uncle David's birthday on Saturday. She asked if we were coming, but I said 'I don't know.'" She stopped for a moment. "Can we go? Please mommy? Can we go? Pretty please?"

I grinned. "We'll see. I'll call grandma later, what about that, sweetie?"

She pouted and said, "Okay," which kind of sounded more like o-tay. I looked at my daughter and noticed how she didn't look much like Tad because she almost looked exactly like me. You know; green-eyes, light brown hair and the facial features too. I just hoped she won't make the same mistake as I did when it involves the guy she'll be loving so much and another guy who's going to be madly in love with her. I sighed and patted her head. "Are you done eating?"

"Yep," she said, standing up from her chair. "Bye, mom!" She stood on her tippy toes and gave me a kiss on the cheek, and ran to her room.

I gathered up the plates we used and rinsed them, placing them in the shelf. The gash across my knuckles was throbbing and getting redder every minute.

Suddenly, I couldn't breathe. I felt as if I was being pulled to different directions all at once. It was hard to see things clearly. I closed my eyes, waiting for everything to stop. When I opened them again, I found myself standing in a vivid room.

"Hello, Susie," a masculine voice called behind me.

I recognized that voice. It was him. I gasped and turned. "You" I said, accusingly, narrowing my eyes at the person in front of me.

"I must say, you don't look as good as you usually do," I glared at him more.

"Just trying to be honest here," he said, holding up his hands as if to surrender.

"Why am I here?" I asked him. I was worried about Daniela. She was all alone.

"Don't worry, Suze. Your daughter's not alone," Bu―how―that bas―He read my mind! That prick. "At least, not technically,"

"What do you mean?"

"You remember what I told you about shifting?" I nodded, still not getting what he meant. "When you shift, your body stays down there while your soul/ghost, whatever, goes wherever he/she wants. Like me for instance," he grinned.

"You mean…you shifted us both in this room?"

He nodded.

"But why?" I asked. "Why did you shift both of us here?"

"You still don't know?" I shook my head.

"I just wanted to know," he said softly then raised his voice, "WHY IN THE WORLD DID YOU OPEN THE DOOR WHEN I'VE TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES NOT TO?"

I winced and his words came back to me. I gaped at him. "THAT WAS YOU?"

"Of course it was!" he said mockingly. "Who did you think it was anyways? Your beloved boyfriend?" he smirked.

"Fiancé," I growled. "Then why did you―how…bu―"

"Shut up," he said firmly. "I needed to see you. And I knew you always go up to Shadowland when something was troubling you. But what I didn't know was you were stupid enough to kill yourself!"

"I had to. You know what happened…I was hurt and confused. I lov―"

"Don't say it," he said. "Don't tell you loved him because I know you do but I also know that you have feelings for me too! But you keep on denying it!"

"I don't, okay? I don't have feelings for you. No, just no. I didn't know what I was doing then. I―"

"No, don't tell me…don't tell me you did what you did because you were drunk. No, please, don't tell me that," he said softly with pleading eyes.

"I'm―"I noticed tears were already streaming down my face.

He looked at me with accusing eyes. "How could you Suze? How could you make me believe that just for once, the girl I loved, loved me back? How could you!"

"No, you never loved me. You loved the _idea_ of me…because I'm a shifter just like you. And you couldn't find anybody else who'd understand. You knew I'd understand because I'm just like you, as powerful as you," I said, "Goodbye," And I pictured the kitchen and shifted back, leaving him standing in the room staring at me. Thankfully, when I was back, I returned successfully.

"_Don't say it," he said. "Don't tell you loved him because I know you do but I also know that you have feelings for me too! But you keep on denying it!"_

I couldn't stop thinking about how he looked when he said that. He looked so dismal and I've never in the whole time I've known him seen that look on his face, not at all. I just couldn't bear it and it was something hard to fathom. I knew what happened, I really did and I felt guilty for it. I shouldn't have. I knew what I was getting myself into but no, I went ahead and did it. I'm terrible person. I…pushed everyone away after that. I couldn't look at anybody's eyes because I had this premonition that every time they will look at me, they'll all start saying, 'Oh, look at Suze, she's a fake and a wretched person, a suicidal bitch'. I―…I didn't know what to do. So, yes, I lost all my friends. I treated them badly.

I gripped the kitchen counter. Everything was so hard, my world was dim, and there was no light. I didn't know what to do. It's as if all the things I see are black and white, no colours, no happiness, and no love…because there was nothing, nothing left in me. I was broken into little pieces, just like the mirror, that was me, shattered.

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There ya go. Just a little update before I go on my class trip. When I get back, hopefully I'll be able to update all of my stories; I'm not making any promises though. ;)

Review please!


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